AT4W: The Hobbit #3

Memorable quotes from episode 324:

Linkara: "Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. Last week, I did the review next to my Christmas tree, but now I'm on my usual set again! Why? Because I was" *gestures off-screen* "there and back again!" *smiles, pauses awkwardly* "...You see, because i-it's a thing with the book— SHUT UP!"
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Linkara: "The cover features Smaug, and his size is... kind of unimpressive. Sure, he's big, but he's honestly not that much bigger than the Eagles. It seems difficult to imagine that he singlehandedly forced out the dwarf kingdom when he's not that huge. I suppose it's a bit more realistic compared to the impossibly huge chambers that the movies have that allow him to move around, but nothing else is realistic, so why the hell should dragon size and buildings be? I do love the looks on everybody's faces, Smaug especially. It's like he just turned the corner after going for a walk and suddenly there are these dwarves about to sneak into his home and he's like, "What?! What the hell?!" Bilbo and the dwarves seem equally flummoxed."
Linkara (as Bilbo): *looking flummoxed* "Oh, Smaug! Uh... D-Didn't expect to see you out here! Um... uh... We're door-to-door jewelry salesmen and" *pretends to hold up a jewel* "we'd like to show you this lovely ring."
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Linkara: "Upon arriving in town, the elves leave the barrels in the water while they rest up and prepare their own things, giving Bilbo a chance to get all the dwarves out of their uncomfortable containers. Thorin, as you can see, has been twisted into a horrible mess from being crammed inside of one. Ever wonder how they get superheroines in comic books to contort their spines in bizarre shapes? I imagine it's something very similar to this."
Bilbo: "Well, are you alive or are you dead?"
Linkara (as Thorin): *imitating his uncomfortable position* "I feel dead. Does that count?"
Bilbo: "If you want food, and if to go on with this silly adventure – it's yours after all and not mine..."
Linkara (as Thorin): "Well, in that case, I'll take your share of the treasure if it's not your adventure, too!"
Bilbo: "...you had best slap your arms and rubs your legs and try and help me get the others out while there is a chance!"
Linkara (as Thorin): "I would, but I don't think my arms are capable of moving in those directions anymore."
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Linkara: "Bilbo volunteers to go back down the assumption that the dragon is asleep again and try to figure out some weak spot on it. Unfortunately, Smaug and dragons in general have a strong sense of smell, so it pretended to sleep and instantly knew that Bilbo was back inside despite the ring's invisibility trick. You know, if the ring doesn't hide your smell, it makes me wonder what Sauron smelled liked. You think he used cologne?"
Smaug: "Well, thief! I smell you and I feel your air. I hear your breath. Come along! Help yourself again, there is plenty and to spare!"
Linkara (as Smaug): "Yeah, I gotta be honest, the gold market isn't what it really once was. I've been meaning to pawn most of this."
Bilbo: "No thank you, O Smaug the Tremendous! I only wished to have a look at you and see if you were as great as tales say. I did not believe them. Truly songs and tales fall utterly short of the reality."
Linkara (as Bilbo): "I-I just know that a movie would never do you justice, O Smaug the Magnificent."
Linkara (as Smaug): "Oh, I don't know." *strokes chin* "Maybe if they got Benedict Cumberbatch to play me..."
Smaug: "You have nice manners for a thief and a liar."
Linkara: "Well, if he's a liar, then he can't really have good manners, Smaug the Contradictory."
Smaug: "You seem familiar with my name, but I don't seem to remember smelling you before. Who are you and where do you come from, may I ask?"
Linkara (as Bilbo): *nervously* "My name is... uh... uh, uh... Otho Saxville Baggins. Yes, you should totally hunt me down in the Shire while I try to steal my good cousin Bilbo's home. Yes, that'll do."
Bilbo: "I come from under the hill, and under the hills and over the hills my path led. And through the air. I am he that walks unseen. I am ringwinner and luckwearer and barrel-rider!"
Linkara (as Bilbo): "I am also champion beer-drinker three years running."
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Linkara: "Smaug is, of course, intrigued, but doesn't buy any of his talk, being able to tell the smell of dwarf from all the time he spent with them. The narration also implies that dragon-talk has a bit of a hypnotic effect on people who hear it, kind of a compulsion to speak with them and at least admit a little bit of truth, so Bilbo admits the treasure as an afterthought and they're actually after revenge, especially since even Smaug admits it'd take a hundred years to sneak out all the gold at the rate he's going."
Smaug: "Revenge! REVENGE! The king under the mountain is dead and where are his kin that dare seek revenge? I laid low the warriors of old and their like is not in the world today."
Linkara: "What the hell do you know? You spend all day on a couch of coins, and I'm betting that anytime a paper boy stops by with a copy of Middle Earth Today, you burn them."
Smaug: "My armour is like tenfold shields, my teeth are swords, my claws spears, the shock of my tail like a thunderbolt, my wings a hurricane, and my breath death!"
Linkara (as Smaug): "My eyelids are like daggers, and my lower-left thigh is a cannon!"
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Linkara: "The next morning, after Bilbo has returned to the mountain, another party arrives to bargain with Thorin for the Arkenstone. Bilbo admits his part in giving it to them, much to Thorin's anger. Gandalf tells him to knock it off, and Thorin finally agrees to their demands, but expels Bilbo from the mountain and calls him a traitor. However, the next day, Dain's forces arrive, and Thorin decides to not honor the agreement. What a shock. The two forces begin attacking one another... but that stops when a darkness overcomes the area, Gandalf suddenly shouting to everyone."
Gandalf: "Dread has come upon you all! The goblins are upon you! Bolg of the North is coming. Behold! The bats are above his army like a sea of locusts."
Linkara (as Gandalf): *wearing a long white beard* "We must stop them here! It's bat country!"
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Linkara: "And thus, Thorin is dead."
Bilbo: "You are a fool, Bilbo Baggins, and you made a great mess of that business with the stone; and there was a battle, in spite of all your efforts to buy peace and quiet, but I suppose you can hardly be blamed for that."
Linkara (as Bilbo): "I'm really sad about the poor choices I made." *beat, then brightens up* "Oh, well, wasn't my fault."