AT4W: Dart no.1

Memorable quotes from episode 394:

Linkara: "We open in Detroit."
Narrator: "Detroit--1990. A soiled playground of crime and corruption..."
Linkara: "Don't worry, I hear that Robocop is coming in to fix all this. Now, at first, it may appear that the artwork is just really amateurish, but what we're actually seeing in these panels is a bunch of kids playing with action figures. Aaaand then when we pull back, we see that the art is bad, just differently, as we see a bunch of big-eyed children playing."
Girl #1: "Can we swap now, I'm tired of bring–"
Linkara: "Erm, nice typo."
Girl #1: "I'm tired of being Meteor I want to be Shaq."
Linkara: "Why do you want to be Shaq? Be Charles Barkley! He's Earth's greatest warrior! Also, not just that one typo; she's also got a run-on sentence. Two girls in particular are playing with a doll called Sirene, whose legs pop off."
Girl #2: "Oh, you've broken her!"
Girl #3: "It's alright... Sirene's legs come off so you can put her tail on."
Linkara (as this girl): "Man, I can't wait until I get the mechanical spider legs attachment for my birthday."
Linkara: "We soon see that the children are being observed in a high-tech laboratory behind some one-way glass. Now, here we get a better idea of the problems of the art: distance shots look fine, but when we get close up, they're very cartoony, except I'm dead certain they weren't going for cartoony, just that their features are bigger and more exaggerated because they didn't know how to scale things. So, what sort of research are they doing?"
Researcher #1: "Alright. These toys will inevitably promote violence, sibling rivalry, nihilistic and truculent behavior..."
Mike: "This is the factory where they make Beanie Babies."
Researcher #2 [Mr. Brockman]: "Look... just give me the bottom line."
Researcher #1: "They'll be a big hit, Mr. Brockman!"
Linkara (as this researcher): "ROM Spaceknight is gonna just print money!"
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Linkara: "Anyway, Mustache Dude a.k.a. Mr. Brockman proceeds to ignore everyone who greets him and wants to talk about sales figures so he can go down to the basement and berate an artist under his employ."
Mr. Brockman: "Leah! Put those Forest-Folk(TM) away, you, know we've finished with them."
Linkara: "Nice comma splice, asshole."
Spelling/Grammar Errors: 4
Linkara: "Anyway, Fish-Lips-and-Really-Pronounced-Cheek-Bones says that he needs her to make a new character for the toy line."
Leah: "But the Forest-Folk(TM) are our bread and butter...It's not good karma for us to abandon them."
Linkara: "Well, good to know that you're in charge of the company then, Conceptual Artist Lady." *shrugs in confusion* "However, Brockman completely overreacts and grabs her arm and throws her papers aside! Dude, what the hell?!"
Mr. Brockman: "Get it through your thick head. Forest Gum(TM) is dead! These designs went out in the '80s. Nobody's interested in this crap anymore."
Linkara (as Brockman): "People will only care about this stuff again in the late 2000s, when it's profitably nostalgic!"
Mr. Brockman: "This is my deal. You have no say in the matter. Just because you can design a few simple toys doesn't mean you've got talent."
Linkara (as Brockman): "God, all I did was hire you at our major toy company as our only conceptual artist and told you to work on this design that will shape our product line." *points to camera* "You have absolutely no talent whatsoever!"
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Linkara: "Speaking of potential victims, a woman with a giant head runs through an alley, pursued by some guys with knives."
Guy with knife: "Hey, missy, got a quarter for my bus-fair? Hey!...Oh, screw off then, ya friggin' bitch."
Linkara (as this guy): "How dare you not give me a quarter! I'M GONNA STAB YOU!"
Linkara: "Seriously, what is it about guys in this book who overreact to women? I mean, I have to assume that's what's happening, since otherwise, they're using a really weird way of taunting her: by asking her for a quarter and then being shocked and calling her a bitch. Now, a more effectively creepy method of taunting is what they do next: spouting a nursery rhyme."
First guy with knife: "Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie..."
Linkara: "Georgie Porgie, victim of cannibalism."
Second guy with knife: "...kissed the girls and made them cry..."
Linkara: "Georgie had mono. However, the rhyming doesn't actually make sense since they say the next line about the boys coming out to play, then stop doing it as they attack the woman, requiring Dart to appear and say the final line of Georgie Porgie running away. What was their endgame with the rhyme if they weren't going to say the final line? Might as well have just recited "Hickory Dickory Dock" if they were just doing it to be creepy. But anywho, here's Dart and her pointy nipples and shiny costume and, yet again, overexaggerated lips. Everyone in this comic has very clearly defined lips of some variety, and the women in particular have got collagen injections."
First thug: "Hey, guys, check out this broad?"
Linkara: "Why is that a question? Eh, screw it."
Spelling/Grammar Errors: 9
First thug: "Look's..."
Spelling/Grammar Errors: 10
First thug: "...like the Silver Surfer's sex starved sister."
Linkara: "Sick burn. And you look like the feces of feces. Probably because you are feces."
Second thug: "Gee, Spider, that was a nice bit of litter... litter... litternation."
Linkara: "If you don't know the word, why are you trying to say it? Dart, of course, attacks and kicks two of them with a rather impractical pose probably meant to show off her ass. But then she gets whacked in the head with a two-by-four."
Dart: "Noooo..."
Linkara (as Dart): "Wooden boards, my one weakness!"
Linkara: "We then get a flashback to her childhood, where her abusive father almost beats her after she attempts to call 911, but instead, her mother intervenes and gets murdered. The cops of course arrive from the 911 call, but it's too late. She is now the size of a baby doll. Or maybe that cop is a giant, I don't know."
Cop: "If the kid'd spoken to the operator sooner, maybe we could've saved the mother."
Linkara (as this cop): "She's also the reason for all the suffering in the world, really." *holds up index finger* "In fact, when you get right down to it, she's the reason God has abandoned us all."
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Linkara: "Back over to the toy factor, Brockman sees the news report about Dart, while the artist lady keeps trying to come up with superhero designs without success."
TV news reporter: "This station has obtained exclusive footage of the actual assault videoed by a concerned citizen. We'd like to warn that some of the following bloody scenes of gut-wrenching carnage may be a little too disturbing to some viewers."
Linkara (as the reporter): "I'm not kidding, people. A man got a dart in his butt cheek! Viewer discretion is advised."
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Linkara: "Anyway, the artist, Leah, has fallen asleep at her art table as Brockman shows up to check out her designs, but he rejects them."
Brockman: "They all look like Forest-Folk(TM) on steroids. You're hopeless. You can't draw to save your life."
Linkara: *incredulously* "Then why did you hire her?! You are a crappy boss! He insists that they use Dart's name and likeness, despite not owning the rights to the name. When she points that out, he whacks her across the face with a newspaper! Apparently, he hit her so hard with that newspaper that it DRAWS BLOOD!! What the hell?!?"
Brockman: "I can do anything I want. This city is my playground..."
Linkara (as Brockman): "I am Brockman, owner of a toy company! All shall bow down before me!"
Linkara: "Careful, lady, he's aiming an invisible gun at you! And so, our comic ends with him proclaiming that he has the solution to this."
Brockman: "...and they're called VOGUE ATTACK!"
Linkara (as Brockman): "Witness their ultimate power of teleporting in when I say their name!"