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Would you like to have a pie sir?
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Memorable quotes from episode 244:
Linkara: "And since the Hostess Fruit Pies were the popular ones, let's look at one of those first. Our story is "Spider-Man vs. the Human Computer!"... Wait a second. Human computer?..." *becomes alarmed* "MR. COMPUTER!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *runs off*
---------------
Narrator: "Mysteriously, all the computers in the city have gone haywire."
Linkara (as narrator): "Millions begin panicking when they're unable to access their porn."
Narrator: "Worst of all, the fun has gone out of kids' electronic games."
Linkara (as narrator): "Although that didn't have anything to do with the computers going haywire; it's just the next lineup of popular game titles were all online only."
Narrator: "Nobody can win against the "Human Computer"."
Avery Brooks: "That's gonna take some serious software."
---------------
Linkara: "Spidey is swinging across the city and informs us of the situation that the above caption already did."
Spider-Man: "There's a human computer on the loose-- an evil genius with an electronic brain. He's outsmarting everyone-- even the police."
Linkara (as Spider-Man): "But I'll be sure to catch him. After all, I've only made good decisions since I've put on" *points to himself* "this mask."
Linkara: "And for some reason, Spidey assumes the dude is at an arcade. And he's right, of course, but then again, I'm wondering how the hell nobody noticed this thing until now. Is the Human Computer actually a Transformer, and he was disguised as a pinball machine?"
Human Computer: "Don't bug me, webhead. I've got your number... and everybody's number."
Linkara (as Human Computer): "Your number is six, by the way."
Spider-Man: *thinking* "If I can trap this weirdo-- it'll be goodbye, Mr. Chip."
Linkara: "Uh, is Chip his real name? Because otherwise, you're really going out of your way to make a reference to microchips."
Spider-Man: "Some Hostess Cup Cakes and milk might do the trick."
Linkara: "One of Spider-Man's lesser-known powers is the ability to summon confectioneries out of thin air. Seriously, where the hell did he get all those?! Did he honestly just summon them with the power of his mind?!"
Human Computer: "I am programmed to love this chocolaty cake... My circuits light for that fudgy icing."
Linkara (as Human Computer): "Oh, God, pouring milk on my exposed circuits... rubbing fudge into my motherboard... clogging up fan... Dr. Chandra, will I dream?"
---------------
Linkara: "And now... An excerpt from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat: "Forty"."
That Guy With the Hat: "When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes. He took forty cakes." *looks up from book* "That's as many as four tens." *takes off glasses* "And that's terrible."
----------------
Linkara: "We begin with a young Obi-Wan Kenobi being taught meditation by Qui-Gon Jinn."
Qui-Gon: "I sense fear in you. What is it you fear?"
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): *putting his hand to his forehead* "I fear... clumsy Darth Vader symbolism."
Linkara: "Seriously, why the hell did they include the Darth Vader silhouette there? We see who it is three panels later on the same page!"
Qui-Gon: "Obi-Wan, a Jedi shall not know anger... or fear..."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "You must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."
Qui-Gon: "...or hatred... or love."
Obi-Wan: "Love?!"
Qui-Gon: "Let go of your feelings, or they will be your undoing."
Obi-Wan: "But why...?"
Linkara: "And since the Hostess Fruit Pies were the popular ones, let's look at one of those first. Our story is "Spider-Man vs. the Human Computer!"... Wait a second. Human computer?..." *becomes alarmed* "MR. COMPUTER!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *runs off*
---------------
Narrator: "Mysteriously, all the computers in the city have gone haywire."
Linkara (as narrator): "Millions begin panicking when they're unable to access their porn."
Narrator: "Worst of all, the fun has gone out of kids' electronic games."
Linkara (as narrator): "Although that didn't have anything to do with the computers going haywire; it's just the next lineup of popular game titles were all online only."
Narrator: "Nobody can win against the "Human Computer"."
Avery Brooks: "That's gonna take some serious software."
---------------
Linkara: "Spidey is swinging across the city and informs us of the situation that the above caption already did."
Spider-Man: "There's a human computer on the loose-- an evil genius with an electronic brain. He's outsmarting everyone-- even the police."
Linkara (as Spider-Man): "But I'll be sure to catch him. After all, I've only made good decisions since I've put on" *points to himself* "this mask."
Linkara: "And for some reason, Spidey assumes the dude is at an arcade. And he's right, of course, but then again, I'm wondering how the hell nobody noticed this thing until now. Is the Human Computer actually a Transformer, and he was disguised as a pinball machine?"
Human Computer: "Don't bug me, webhead. I've got your number... and everybody's number."
Linkara (as Human Computer): "Your number is six, by the way."
Spider-Man: *thinking* "If I can trap this weirdo-- it'll be goodbye, Mr. Chip."
Linkara: "Uh, is Chip his real name? Because otherwise, you're really going out of your way to make a reference to microchips."
Spider-Man: "Some Hostess Cup Cakes and milk might do the trick."
Linkara: "One of Spider-Man's lesser-known powers is the ability to summon confectioneries out of thin air. Seriously, where the hell did he get all those?! Did he honestly just summon them with the power of his mind?!"
Human Computer: "I am programmed to love this chocolaty cake... My circuits light for that fudgy icing."
Linkara (as Human Computer): "Oh, God, pouring milk on my exposed circuits... rubbing fudge into my motherboard... clogging up fan... Dr. Chandra, will I dream?"
---------------
Linkara: "And now... An excerpt from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat: "Forty"."
That Guy With the Hat: "When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes. He took forty cakes." *looks up from book* "That's as many as four tens." *takes off glasses* "And that's terrible."
----------------
Linkara: "We begin with a young Obi-Wan Kenobi being taught meditation by Qui-Gon Jinn."
Qui-Gon: "I sense fear in you. What is it you fear?"
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): *putting his hand to his forehead* "I fear... clumsy Darth Vader symbolism."
Linkara: "Seriously, why the hell did they include the Darth Vader silhouette there? We see who it is three panels later on the same page!"
Qui-Gon: "Obi-Wan, a Jedi shall not know anger... or fear..."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "You must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration."
Qui-Gon: "...or hatred... or love."
Obi-Wan: "Love?!"
Qui-Gon: "Let go of your feelings, or they will be your undoing."
Obi-Wan: "But why...?"
Qui-Gon: "There is no why."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "Obey me blindly and never question our stupid practices, or I'll club you with my lightsaber!"
----------------
Qui-Gon: "Though some claim it may be a true story whose origins lie buried in the past."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "So basically, I'm making up a complete nonsense legend to try to explain why we're idiots."
Qui-Gon: "Whichever it may or may not be, it is relevant to the Jedi Code."
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): "But Master Qui-Gon, if it isn't true, doesn't it just mean it's a huge contrivance that wouldn't actually in the real world?"
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "What did I just say about clubbing you with my lightsaber?"
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): "I'll shut up!"
----------------
Linkara: "Anyway, our story tells us of a Jedi Master who was searching the universe for "Force-sensitive beings"."
Qui-Gon: *narrating* "He had been searching the galaxy for some time and had not discovered any like beings. He searched with his eyes, ears and also reached out with the Force to no avail."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "His advertisements on Craigslist were met with no responses, either."
----------------
Qui-Gon: *narrating* He would take them and raise them. The mother, unable to provide for the two, agreed.
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "Bringing the mother wasn't an option because..." *long, awkward pause* "So anyway..."
----------------
Linkara: "So, because some dumbass takes two twins and trains them on his own and never teaches them that fighting over a woman as if she's a possession is wrong, and this somehow results in the entire planet blowing up... THAT'S why Jedi aren't allowed to LOVE?! Because of an entirely unique situation and some idiot's crappy training regimen, THAT'S why dating is wrong?! Or do they seriously fear that if some teenage Padawan gets a boner, he's gonna go nuts and BLOW UP THE PLANET?! Really, the actual moral lessons of this are: one, have more than one person training Padawans; two, make sure the Padawans have plenty of socialization with the outside world; and three, teach the Padawans to respect the choices of others, especially in terms of their romantic partners! Seriously, this story is about a twin who got pissed off and killed millions, if not BILLIONS, of people, because he felt he got put in the friend zone! That's not a lesson about the dangers of falling in love, it's a story about how that guy was an asshole! But hey, that's just my opinion. Far be it from me to question the wisdom of Qui-Gon "Let's not sell our fancy-pants spaceship and get a smaller one that'll do the job just right and instead rest our hopes on a nine-year-old in a race with a hot rod he built in his garage in a sport he's never won in"... Jinn."
----------------
Linkara: "Let's check in with Hostess again. This time, it's "The Hulk vs. the Phoomie Goonies"..." *dumbfounded* "...the hell? Anyway, we start off with Bruce Banner walking by a post office."
Banner: "A mailman! What a great outdoors job to apply for! No enemies, except a yapping dog, or two!"
Linkara: "Oh, yeah, I mean, mailmen never have to deal with anything else stressful or problematic in their lives. No danger of Hulking out there!" *shakes his head, then gives a disgusted look*
Banner: "But mailmen are civil servants. There'll be questions--forms--tests!"
Linkara (as Banner): "Oh, God, I didn't study! Feeling the pressure! HULK SMASH!!"
----------------
Phoomie Goonie: "You're all now hostages of the revolutionary government!"
Linkara (as Phoomie Goonie): *holding up machine gun with one finger awkwardly* "Yes, owning this one post office will guarantee us domination over this country's government!"
----------------
Qui-Gon: "Though some claim it may be a true story whose origins lie buried in the past."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "So basically, I'm making up a complete nonsense legend to try to explain why we're idiots."
Qui-Gon: "Whichever it may or may not be, it is relevant to the Jedi Code."
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): "But Master Qui-Gon, if it isn't true, doesn't it just mean it's a huge contrivance that wouldn't actually in the real world?"
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "What did I just say about clubbing you with my lightsaber?"
Linkara (as Obi-Wan): "I'll shut up!"
----------------
Linkara: "Anyway, our story tells us of a Jedi Master who was searching the universe for "Force-sensitive beings"."
Qui-Gon: *narrating* "He had been searching the galaxy for some time and had not discovered any like beings. He searched with his eyes, ears and also reached out with the Force to no avail."
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "His advertisements on Craigslist were met with no responses, either."
----------------
Qui-Gon: *narrating* He would take them and raise them. The mother, unable to provide for the two, agreed.
Linkara (as Qui-Gon): "Bringing the mother wasn't an option because..." *long, awkward pause* "So anyway..."
----------------
Linkara: "So, because some dumbass takes two twins and trains them on his own and never teaches them that fighting over a woman as if she's a possession is wrong, and this somehow results in the entire planet blowing up... THAT'S why Jedi aren't allowed to LOVE?! Because of an entirely unique situation and some idiot's crappy training regimen, THAT'S why dating is wrong?! Or do they seriously fear that if some teenage Padawan gets a boner, he's gonna go nuts and BLOW UP THE PLANET?! Really, the actual moral lessons of this are: one, have more than one person training Padawans; two, make sure the Padawans have plenty of socialization with the outside world; and three, teach the Padawans to respect the choices of others, especially in terms of their romantic partners! Seriously, this story is about a twin who got pissed off and killed millions, if not BILLIONS, of people, because he felt he got put in the friend zone! That's not a lesson about the dangers of falling in love, it's a story about how that guy was an asshole! But hey, that's just my opinion. Far be it from me to question the wisdom of Qui-Gon "Let's not sell our fancy-pants spaceship and get a smaller one that'll do the job just right and instead rest our hopes on a nine-year-old in a race with a hot rod he built in his garage in a sport he's never won in"... Jinn."
----------------
Linkara: "Let's check in with Hostess again. This time, it's "The Hulk vs. the Phoomie Goonies"..." *dumbfounded* "...the hell? Anyway, we start off with Bruce Banner walking by a post office."
Banner: "A mailman! What a great outdoors job to apply for! No enemies, except a yapping dog, or two!"
Linkara: "Oh, yeah, I mean, mailmen never have to deal with anything else stressful or problematic in their lives. No danger of Hulking out there!" *shakes his head, then gives a disgusted look*
Banner: "But mailmen are civil servants. There'll be questions--forms--tests!"
Linkara (as Banner): "Oh, God, I didn't study! Feeling the pressure! HULK SMASH!!"
----------------
Phoomie Goonie: "You're all now hostages of the revolutionary government!"
Linkara (as Phoomie Goonie): *holding up machine gun with one finger awkwardly* "Yes, owning this one post office will guarantee us domination over this country's government!"
Linkara: "Really, though, this is the master plan? You people don't even know how to hold your guns and yet you expect to overthrow the government or something? Anyway, Banner actually seems unimpressed with the terrorists."
Banner: *thinking* "What lousy timing!"
Linkara (as Banner): "Ugh, a hostage situation? I am never gonna mail out this letter, am I?"
Banner: *thinking* "What lousy timing!"
Linkara (as Banner): "Ugh, a hostage situation? I am never gonna mail out this letter, am I?"
Linkara: "However, despite the disinterest, this apparently is enough to trigger the Hulk transformation. Subsequently, the Hulk grabs the three terrorists."
Hulk: "You make Hulk angry! Hulk squeeze you into size of envelope--then mail you through "out-of-town" slot!"
Linkara (as Hulk): "Then Hulk realize he not put proper postage, and it get returned to Hulk, and Hulk have to mail it out again, only mailman can't read Hulk's handwriting, and it get returned again anyway!"
Linkara: "However, despite being threatened with guns, one kid says the Hulk shouldn't hug them and squeeze them and call them George. No, instead, he should give them Hostess Fruit Pies. Why do you want to reward the terrorists? C'mon, kid, it's a bit early for Stockholm Syndrome."
Phoomie Goonie: "We surrender for Fruit Pies!"
Linkara (as Hulk): "Hulk not here to negotiate terms of surrender! Hulk leave that to hostage negotiator!"
----------------
Linkara: "And now... An excerpt from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat: "Happiness"."
That Guy With the Hat: "Jimmy Olsen's happiness showed on his face. His feelings of being glad showed on his face" *suggestively* "when Supergirl untied the ropes." *grins suggestively*
----------------
Linkara: "And that's all we've got for today, my friends. Just remember what we've learned here: love ultimately leads to planetary annihilation, so just sit back and have a Fruit Pie, or Conjura will make you invisible."
Hulk: "You make Hulk angry! Hulk squeeze you into size of envelope--then mail you through "out-of-town" slot!"
Linkara (as Hulk): "Then Hulk realize he not put proper postage, and it get returned to Hulk, and Hulk have to mail it out again, only mailman can't read Hulk's handwriting, and it get returned again anyway!"
Linkara: "However, despite being threatened with guns, one kid says the Hulk shouldn't hug them and squeeze them and call them George. No, instead, he should give them Hostess Fruit Pies. Why do you want to reward the terrorists? C'mon, kid, it's a bit early for Stockholm Syndrome."
Phoomie Goonie: "We surrender for Fruit Pies!"
Linkara (as Hulk): "Hulk not here to negotiate terms of surrender! Hulk leave that to hostage negotiator!"
----------------
Linkara: "And now... An excerpt from "The Super Dictionary" with That Guy With The Hat: "Happiness"."
That Guy With the Hat: "Jimmy Olsen's happiness showed on his face. His feelings of being glad showed on his face" *suggestively* "when Supergirl untied the ropes." *grins suggestively*
----------------
Linkara: "And that's all we've got for today, my friends. Just remember what we've learned here: love ultimately leads to planetary annihilation, so just sit back and have a Fruit Pie, or Conjura will make you invisible."